The stress is making me fat

I do it. I eat my problems. I wish I didn't. But I do. The stress of my situation, causes me to eat. I respond to stress by packing it in, when I know that's not the right thing to do.

I have just polished off a large quantity of candy, and a bowl of raisin bran. It's 10 p.m. I guess it's the stress of knowing what tomorrow holds. It's my last Sunday at Elton Woods.

I knew that it would be a difficult move. I knew that it would break hearts on all sides. It's a necessary thing. But last Sunday was such an emotional rollercoaster. To have to face those faces tomorrow will be overwhelming.

We'll have a service. We'll have a goodbye dinner. And then we'll have another service.

I want to do God's will. I sincerely believe this is it. But it's still hard. I don't want to move. I don't want to leave people that I care about. With the weight of this, it's going to be hard to get a word for this new group of people. And how DO you get a word for a people that you don't yet know. How do you hear the heart of God for them?

I have prayed more than ever before. I have sought the Lord. I have fasted. I have cried, and believed... and have done my best to exercise my faith. I've done my best. Now I just have to take the step, and believe.

Wednesday Morning, October 4, 2006

It's Wednesday Morning. I really had thought that I wouldn't be so broken on Monday... or Tuesday... or Wednesday. But I feel worse today, than I did on Sunday. I have a horrible pain where my head meets my spine. It's almost overwhelming. I packed one room yesterday - Shiloh & Shara's room. Today, I have to finish the playroom, the closets in the hall, and the bathroom. If I accomplish that, I'll feel as though I have done something. All that, and still I must get a sermon together for tonight.

There is a weight on me, in that I feel as though I am leaving with "stuff" still to do. I don't feel as though I have a sense of completion. I don't feel like I have done what I came to do. But I can't take responsibility for that. I have to do what I need to do for family.

My in-laws grew up in a time when ministry was the end-all. Nothing was more important. They didn't neglect their family, but many did - to the detriment of their children, their extended families, etc.

I can't do that. Ministry, as important as it is... has to be secondary. It must be GOD; then FAMILY; and finally, the MINISTRY. I cannot put the ministry above either of the first two. Some put the ministry above God - when God has told them, "You need to step out of the ministry, and learn of me. You need to breathe. You need to heal." Some put their ministry above their own family, when they don't focus on the needs of their own marriage... their own children... their own extended family.

And I have been guilty of that in the past. I would suffer spiritually myself. I would need healing... spiritual restoration... but neglect me, to help others.

The weight of that was a small thing until this year. When my nephew died in May this year, at 13, it was a real wake-up call. I scarcely knew what an air embolism was; let alone that it could kill someone. On a Friday in May, it happened. On Mother's Day 2006, he was gone.

Probably more than the mourning of the death, it was this intense guilt that I couldn't be present for my own family. It was one of a thousand times when I was not present. But the snowball was rolling down the hill now, and I was unable to stop it. The reality of all these things hit me all of a sudden.

There was a pervasive fear that "If this could happen to Joseph, it could happen to anyone." All of a sudden, being there for their surgeries was more important. Being present for death and loss, and happiness, and stupid stuff - like big football games... and dance recitals... and birthday parties. I know those things don't seem very important to others. Maybe it's a midlife crisis in me. But I have to be closer to those I love.

So there is a guilt. I came to Elton Woods with a vision. I knew what I had to do. And I'm not at the place I wanted to be at by 3.5 years. I wanted to see 200 in attendance. I wanted to see 10,000 a month in tithes. I wanted to see things more healthy than they are. There is a disappointment. There is a feeling of failure. There is a doubt. There is a fear.

Praying like I never have before. There is the words of the old Jimmy Durante song...

"Did you ever get the feeling that you wanted to go... but still have the feeling that you wanted to stay?"

Nothing has ever more aptly expressed my feelings than that.

My Precious Babies

My Precious Babies...

(Okay, they are growing up. Whatever.)

It's Monday

It's Monday. The weight of life is on me right now. I have to be honest, I'm not anxious for this move that's ahead of me. Not a bit. I am anxious that the Lord has a plan. I'm anxious that He's got a direction for us. I am not anxious about busting my back on boxes, bags, and burden. Ugh!

I spent the day trying. I was trying. I wasn't succeeding much. I packed one closet. (One thing down. 25 to go.) Tomorrow, I have to kick butt. I have to tear it up in three or four rooms... not one.

Through all this, I have to know that God is in control. I have to know that the Lord is on our side. I have to know that He's ordering our steps. How earnestly, I yearn to have the prayers of the saints around me right now. I need to be lifted up. I need strength.

I am not afraid of my new church. I am not afraid of the people. I am afraid of the newness. I'm afraid of the learning. It takes some time to get into the swing of things.

We've been blessed with a wonderful new church. It's a great place to be. Out in the country. Away from the hustle and bustle. It's a wonderful place for children, and for living. The pace is slower. There are huge live oaks with moss weighing heavily on each branch. Behind our parsonage, is a lovely pond... full of snooks. (Snakes.)

Our church is a beautiful facility. It's not a mammoth facility. Not a huge piece of property. But God is there. There is such a peace and a beauty in that little sanctuary. The music is comprised of the classic Pentecostal hymns of the faith... complete with the call-up choir, and the proper southern musicians. And there's a comfort in that for me. Believe it or not. It's very much like HOME. The building in the foreground is the fellowship hall. The building in the background is the sanctuary. The property is lovely, and maintained well. This is a people who loves their church, and wants the best for their people.

I was thrilled to be honest. I received an email from my Clerk/C.E. Director today, telling me about services Sunday. This church had been running significantly lower than normal (in the 40's to 50's). Sunday, there were 71 present. The week before for homecoming, it had been 119.

I had begun planning for a Fall Festival for the new church, because in my mind, if I had not planned it, it would not get done. So I began the planning. Came up with a theme, and a flyer. Decided to call it the FALL COUNTRY FAIR. I was told today that the people have a fall fest planned already. The weight was off of me. That's a refreshing change. And they are already planning the Children's Christmas Production - what a great thing!

Bethel Church of God

So, the time has come. The bags are being packed. The house is going into the marketplace for sale. The trucks will leave Jackson behind on Friday, October 13th, 2006. It's official.

There's that fear. That terror about starting over again. I didn't go to Jackson with an exit strategy. As a matter of fact, within my human mind and understanding, I planned a ten year stint within the South Jackson Area. Even decided, "I'll just let my kids graduate high school here. It's a nice place to live." And it was a nice place to live.

There's no fear of the people in the new church. I guess it's getting a fresh vision, and momentum. I need the hand of the Lord on me today. I do. If you read this, pray for me.

I am excited about going to Bethel. I am. I am excited about what I think God wants to do. There is a vision that God has given. There is a fear, not fearing men or situation... but fearing my own self. "Am I strong enough? Do I have what it takes?" I'm in a weakened state. I know that. I need the strength of the Lord.

So I wait on Him. He's promised to renew. Pray saints, PRAY!

It's official

I'm all cried out, I guess. It's been weeks and yea, even months of weeping, and fasting, and praying to know the mind, the heart and the will of the Father.

Today, in the service, I tendered my resignation to the Elton Woods Church of God in Jackson, Mississippi. It's been a three and a half year ride, and it's been a good one. Negative at times? Only because the devil is alive. Hard? You betcha. Regret it? Not for a minute. Some of the greatest people I have ever known call Elton Woods home.
And yet our hearts were torn. We knew that ultimately, home would "win;" that we would wind up back in our home - in Florida, with our family within a closer reach.

So, I began that process of praying, and fasting... just to know.

The answer came... Bethel Church of God - Lake Park, GA

To be continued...

Hey all!

This is Pastor Chris. I felt the best way to sort of stay in touch with some of the more computer savy folks is to put up a blog for all to connect, and write. We can post pictures, and jibber jabber. I'm calling it "CONNECTING POINTS." It's a means for people to stay connected with us.